Poetry 101
Donkey bleeds it’s water and the owl is blind
shadows in the morning run the mighty farm,
people in the deep are digging for the coal
grass is greener as the fence gets old,
lonely music echoes sprint among the trees
pepper and some honey swim into the sea…
Fake ideas come into the blinding light
they fight the grizzly bear out of the wild,
the reins be broken, the deer may hide
this year’s Santa is going for a car,
it smoking bleeds and the blood got cold
play the checkers, play it hard!
25 Septembrie 2011
Onion head
I always had a thing with the question. Actually it comes from a book I’ve got from my language teacher. A brilliant man. Sometimes I miss him, the days, the people, the smell off the dusty road where I used to get out of the bus, the dogs behind the fences and the cold room full of books… I feel a tear starting to form in the corner of my right eye, I miss the old days.I have an uncomfortable sensation off being alone lately. I count the days, the hours, the odd shaped boxes outside, near the water…time is relatively shorter and boring…. It gets to me. One moment I want to cry, the other my mind wonders somewhere else.. I have no peace – this is the worse. There is this force that is grabbing me and pulling me further into the chaos, the great, nameless, shapeless, disturbing and depressing chaos. Where is a quiet place for me? I need a break from the world, a break from the noise made by my drunk father sleeping on the kitchen table, or the continuous lamenting of my psychotic mother. I isolate myself trying to avoid the pain…it’s as Kafka would be inspiring my vision.
I would like to scream, or die or suddenly disappear..this sounds emo and childish. Is it normal or not? I am hurting my girlfriend, the one that used to be my every thought, my muse, my…and for what; I feel like I don’t love her enough, not that I can, that I don’t appreciate her as I should… She was so scared she blamed me, she wanted me to stop, to don’t ever go far from her, insecurities drove her to behave clingy and possessive… She pushed me away so much that I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to return to my former emotional configuration. It hurts inside so much…too much.. and weird dark thought are hunting my mind….
I am sorry…I don’t know what to do! God help me. Aaaaaaaaaaa…
21 Septembrie 2011
Virtual NO and ALL Perspectives
Along the years I have been looking for something to inspire me, to give me purpose, to take me up the wings of amazing happiness and I haven’t found anything worthy of this unearthly task. As a result I keep wondering around harboring a sad face and a very disturbing pain in the ass from all the sitting in front of the “order-making” diabolic machine named Personal Computer. It is much alike Master Computer just taking a more personal approach.
Tonight, while being terribly, hellishly and humanly depressed, I found a correlation among all the days of endless bickering. I always wanted the future, expected things from it: money, bread, good weather, a good fuck once in a while.. you know the drill. And that instead of taking notice of what was on my own hands. I feel like I have been living under a rock (actually I am living inside one – well an apartment block) for a long time now and missing a lot…
What can I do now? I can do anything. Fuck all those rules that were virtually imposed on me. I was brainwashed by my parent’s negative relationship and by my father’s constant desire of forging me as you would some melting arrowheads. Bad Bad Bad! Back off dog! I want to smoke, to drink, to rock, to fuck some hot chick’s brains out!
Dam it! When I read it, it sounds to me like a 14 years old with acnee on his forehead on the verge of going wild. You know, the revolution… strawberries in the sky and Lucy in the sky with diamonds! But, what the hack.. if I keep respecting all the rules I’ll end in prison. Not the regular one, but the prison of my own interdiction, living suppressed the one life that I have and that matters, following the path of the Great Inhibitions… Reinterpretation: What if this is the only chance you get to prove yourself and you live a shitty life because others told you so? What if Columbus didn’t go sailing? What if Da Vinci didn’t go cutting human cadavers? What if we still believed that Earth is plane and that we are the Universal Umbilicus? (Not that the second one would be much of a problem, since infinity – as I hope – doesn’t have a center point).
So, where to next? I’ll decide that in the flip of a coin. Back to my life, with another perspective. Because perspective is the term of the day, (or night), week, month, moan or whatever how many years! It is the time to unleash the little bugger into the wild! Release the revelation, the greatest idea since conception, the free gaze to danger and to war, the “Via Lactea” express shall burn the skies!
14 Septembrie 2011
Where to…why?
I am back home after an absence of several weeks.
It hasn’t been a lot, yet I am having problems accommodating to my old life. Even if it was a bumpy rides at times I started enjoying it there. My new life was quite different. I had to take a different approach to things in general and to work and people in particular. That is because coming from an ex-communist eastern country, there is always a shock when I travel west and I get in touch with western people. They appear to me more open, more courageous, probably happier and… there’s something missing: the fear of another. We, i.e. the easterners, are very afraid of getting conned, cheated, smuggled, hurt and the list can just go on. Also because of being the little electrocuted mice in the cage we adopted a sick attitude towards work. I mean, since it was not properly repaid, many got the idea that it shouldn’t be done properly. But what I saw this few weeks was something completely different: they were working a lot, they liked it, and they got payed well for it.
But more than just seeing these things, I started to be influenced by them. I like the certainty of knowing what you want, of working because there is something you like about it (of course there are those who doesn’t really have a choice), of being paid for it, of knowing that one day you can have a home of your own and also be able to keep it on your own. Darn… and people are friendly and they answer nicely and behave properly. And also instead of destroying parks for building skyscrapers, they do exactly the opposite.
So now, back home, I seem to have some problems adapting. Back to where the people are sad, worried, cons, misbehaving, impolite, supportive, drinking their days away, on a continuous fall into unhappiness. I feel like this is not a good place to spend the rest of my days. I know there can be better, there can be something else, a chance, for me and for my, yet to be born, children.
I am cutting my strings one by one, slowly, until the day that I will be ready to take off to brighter sunrises…
04 Septembrie 2011
Deviation upon the same idea
Down inside the deep blue ocean where only thoughts can sail upon a brilliant idea, in there I put my hopes for a wisdom that I never had nor ever encountered before. And for the only reason that I allowed myself to become one of those God forgotten wanderers that had the misfortune to stumble upon a bucket full of dream potion no. 5. Yet, that is never going to be taken for a valid portal to pass unsuspecting naive souls onto a world where everything is turned upside down.
The prologue has been thrown into the wild and from the very first moment that my caressing fingertips have been stroking the dirt off some muddy black squares engraved with white symbols, the miracle is going to be produced. But sympathy for the illusion of creation causes disturbances at a level both incomprehensible and unsustainable. Very much alike the ones form the old times, a sacrifice has to be made on the altar of some mysterious forces that stopped in the middle of everything they where doing and turned one eye upon the prayers of an unholy crowd of earthbound creatures composed of a mixture of coal and sea water. And later their will grant a wish to be materialized into the collective consciousness of entire generations and to yeast until a very specific point in time that has been long before prepared to absorb the harvest of all and concentrate it into a self-sustaining idea before implanting it inside the first docile mind that it encounters…
Where will today be yesterday, tomorrow…?
30 August 2011
Discordant lining
I love writing and yet I find it difficult to start a composition with the title. For no reason, each time I want to start typing I keep thinking trying to find a good enough title. But this time I said: STOP! I find it curious how I tend to look for a proper name for things. Not that anybody would have anything to object about it, but it stalls me. So why the need to do this? I don’t really know. Maybe it makes me confident about the things that I recognize by name: this is a silver spoon, this is the feather stone etc. Make sense? Not really. I guess it is also related to loosing sight of the important stuff so I won’t have to face them. Now this is cowardly… Didn’t think about it this way before…
Now, back to business. I have been witness to an example of proper and improper social behavior, just the other day. Imagine a little more than a dozen students go picnicking to celebrate the summer break. It requires setting a meeting time in the morning (preferably early if they can get up). The result: they will be late. It requires some shopping: they can’t make up their minds on what to eat. It requires going by car: they can’t find the way. It requires helping with the fire: one will work and the other will laze around. It requires preparing the meat: a few girls will work and a bunch will be ignorant and others will suddenly go for a walk in the woods. It requires staying around the barbecue in the sun at noon: one will stay and all others will go play games. It requires eating the goodies: nobody will refuse. Now if you are the one doing all the stuff how would you feel. I’ve felt like taking the burning coal and starting a Barbecue Coal Massacre…
One more thing for today: Why would you have a feeling in the gut the a relationship is not alright, like is missing something even if your mind tells you that it is a good one? Is there a certain “X-Factor”, intangible and yet inherent to a good love life? Or are relationships overrated because of the perfect images sold by the movies, the romance literature and the media? I am looking forward to clarify this but I would also like to get some answers from you lads if reading this.
Get some sleep Tokyo!
11 Iulie 2011
Trace the rot
I woke up this morning and unlike many of the previous days I jumped out of bed and went for some exercising. Don’t imagine anything special, just a few moves to help my swollen members get back in an acceptable shape. Afterwards I washed my face, brushed my teeth and took a shower. Next in line came breakfast and a good cup of Earl Gray. All these should prepare me for the most important part of my day: the long hours of “sustained” study for the upcoming exam.
Alright, so what’s wrong with it? Well, everything is! I mean, how would I be in good shape if i just sit all day long in a chair and push my eyes into my notebook and try to decode the scientific engravings of some of my colleagues? My hands hurt, my buck hurts, my ankles and my head start spinning long before mid-break. And then the staying up in the evenings until 11:30 or worse… Going out for a walk with my girl doesn’t really help out either, even if I don’t give up on her demanding one every single day. I’m stressed, I’m tiered and I would just want to walk and enjoy the fresh air on a bench, when instead I have to play daddy for her, assure her, help her, comfort her and encourage her. But let’s don’t go any further this way.
Basically, what I am saying is that an approach from a different angle is required and instead of just cutting and molding the branches I should focus more on the roots. Why am I so tiered, why do I have this low expectancy from the future, why don’t really enjoy being me so much these days? There is a purpose for it all, or at least that is what I tend to believe. I heard this before that for a great change to happen a great depression must be passed. But why going down? Maybe because being used to be a nice guy all of the time must be challenged to extreme. I felt it before, that distinct sensation when I was being pushed one too many times and I just had to do something. I admit to being a painful path but I will definitely not cross it ever again.
So, I sat myself down and decided that patching me up all the time is not a proper solution. To get there I have to get a straight answer to this questions. Actually is more a matter of finding the questions because the answers shall follow.
1. What is keeping me from feeling free to enjoy life? (myself = not accepted as an answer)
2. Why does future scares the hell out of me so that I can’t actually work to improve the outcome?
3. Who am I and how would I see the people in my life from a self-centered perspective?
4. What is the worst that could happen if I made a wrong choice?
5. If my current path leads me to unhappiness, discomfort, and loads of trouble what makes me think it will magically change it’s mind one day?
I consider the last one as being quite self explanatory whereas the other ones require admission of my own shortcomings and fears. And here’s the main issue: FEAR. Being raised by perfectionists in a strict family isn’t helpful at all. It makes me doubt every decision and fear any mistake to the point that I won’t move a finger because of it.This is the source of all evil!
07 Iulie 2011
Warm hug to my life!
I am in the process of committing suicide. There are 4 days left till the ultimate experience. However I will not die any time soon (really hope so) because a Facebook profile is not a human being. Why would I do such thing? Easier said why than done. I haven’t been a user for a long time, only got a profile earlier this year. First, I was excited about being able to “connect” with lots of people I know (or I used to at least). It gave me the impression that I have such a rich social experience by finding out about all the small things they would post and sharing my own. However I soon started to realize that something was missing. What was it that I needed more? I had all these friends and I knew all this things about them, fair enough!
But I was missing the real feel…The part where you actually drink that beer that you have not sell it on FarmVille, shaking hands, sharing a narghile and enjoying a nice cup of oriental tea. I missed going out and taking photos with my Leica – lens camera, running to the top of a hill or trekking with some really great guys and girls and being late on the bus home – what an adventure! Last winter I only skated twice and I used to go ice skating every single Friday night. I love biking, and even in spite of a free bike service in the city I only took a ride once…. I remembered having the greatest time of my life – without any internet based social network.
Alright then! I commit suicide/seppuku/harakiri on Facebook and I start to blog elsewhere, isn’t that a bit hypocritical? Well yes and no, and I would put more weight on the part favoring me. It isn’t because I used to, and still do, love writing. I used to write on paper, used to manage a website, played with both poetry and prose. I like the form and the sound of a good “word”, I get fulfillment from it and what I love the most, it makes me think. Writing requires more than just watching to a video on Youtube and posting it to Facebook saying “Cool video!”. If that’s not a good enough reason then I don’t know if any can be.
And one last thing, I am writing mostly for myself. English is not my primary language and this is a great opportunity to improve. It helps me think, express and write. I will be posting about everything and I will not avoid sensitive subjects when and if they come. In conclusion this will most accurately be defined as being “the expression of a human being”. I think therefore I am.(René Descartes) Again, I don’t want to get to you in any way, whomever you are. I care not if you follow my postings or you don’t. It is a free world, and it is up to you to choose what suits you best.
Hail to the life!
06 Iulie 2011
Un Jurnal Neverosimil 