Life in Paris

When I’ve opened the only window of my studio flat this morning and took in the astonishing view over Paris that the height of a 26th floor can provide I suddenly felt free again. Rays of the end of May sun were washing the gray cement surface of the twin tower in front of me and stumbling down to the square blocks that cover the narrow alleys and the openings that often turn into playground for an army of children coming from from smaller or larger apartments all around. The noise of the street to the left is distorted and than amplified into a low constant humming as proof that life still exists and isolation is nothing but self-imposed. The gray takes me to La Defense, years ago, when I first visited Paris and everything was a mystery asking to be solved and each step was another adventure. The warmth of the sun did not change much, nor its shining or the deep blue of the Parisian sky.

I sipped again the hot dark-brown essence that I love preparing every morning using my very own espresso machine and a grinder for the coffee beans that I find in obscure little shops. I used to add sugar but later on exchanged it for rich milk fat in an attempt of living healthier. It is a ritual that brings joy and a few moments of so much needed tranquility before taking off into the tumult of the never-ending hospital work. Today however is Saturday and I am not on call, and Monday is a national holiday in France, and seen from the little window of my 26th floor studio flat, life is once again beautiful and I can feel the calling of the yet to be explored Parisian streets slowly pouring into every part of me. I almost have the impression that the COVID-19 pandemic never existed in the first place.

….

Life after you

I find it hard to follow
it’s hard not to believe
you are not the sunny mornings
the sun is more a cerebral imprint,
is this a hint?
made me be a giant
a bear to hug if cold outside
and
I
still love you…
why can’t you believe
roses in the garden
oaks that drain into the sea
sometimes I will wonder
what is you and me,
a game we played so well
promises to void
feelings that rebel
dancing in the evening
who am I to tell…

I loved you for an evening
a way to ring the bell
colors fading
what else is there to spell,
my heart belongs to nothing
to something I have felt
and flowers in the morning
kissing under stars
I had you for a while
my lips to spell your name,
missing
the painting of a mile
and greatness comes along
to play
the odor in your smile
made me live again…

The Hat

Invaders walking in my house
their armies stepping forward fighting with a butter knife
and one by one I’ll put them down,
they ask me for a number
and all I do is close another door
in a memory that’s deeper than before,
bringing out the silence I don’t feel a hero anymore
the half moon in my hand is a killer
but my soul starts to forget,
sitting at the longest table I get only half-full plates
familiar faces roaming make a party I don’t get
blonde hair turned to fire just a glance before it sat
while getting drunk on coffee I do wear the hat,
but mornings in the sky are certainly the worst
dreams are left to die before they find a place to nest
and little things is what I have
when the wild hearts go to rest…

Did you

We have died some time ago
it’s been years I have known
but my fears got the best of me
I couldn’t tell a living soul
that my loving went off the boil,
burn, burn, burn
something must’ve really turned…

Did you feel from the start?
Did you know I’ll break your heart?
Did you?

Our story is built on lies
feeling lonely makes one try
this charade was truly fine
up until tomorrow’s night,
something,
something really must’ve broke
that wasn’t there all along…

Did you question it at all?
Did you sense the pain to come?
Did you?
Did you…
Did you now?

It was rotten form the heart
nothing good was there to start
gave me all I didn’t ask
way to early way to fast, in the dark,
lost it’s spark,
you have loved me in the dark
when I’m a built and fed on light…

Did you…
Did you think it would last?
Did you,
Did you think you were the one?
Did you…
Did you?

Between the lines

I’d see beauty
my eyes turned white
your face is a color that I feel like a sound,
the last beer
spilled on my fingers in a bad pub
it was hot before it was cold
your voice sufficed
in a dark that was blind
fell deep inside
addiction for a good mind,
summer stayed for a while
something is broken,
broken
it is the world
I closed and see wrong
no heat for my own,
lips from between the lines
million thoughts
came before each bite
honey
water and hard
lost in a pond
I died and turned out alive…

What was not said

Oath in the night that is quest for the silence
not isolation but reigning from afar on one’s expectations,
praise the hours that gave moments to build out of nothing
with recipes written in cold running water,
ode to renouncement when knitting vague feelings
as the cure for the lonely is walking away…

Why stay in a present when so many futures await
but out of deception and fear of the path,
the image itself is prone to corruption
when in the youth air felt heavy and wrinkled,
and for what the force without a place to stand
when one’s mind travel for the story isn’t there…

What was not said is the heart of true meaning
that bland grains can leaven to good fare,
but why ask forgiveness and pursue convenience
when the church is inside and not in the dreaming
and marching dough comes from believing
not in the many gods but in one’s inner singing…

Atomic dreams

…in the water I need wine
pour it red as viscous blood,
pills to swallow for the hollow people,
I am one, too hurt of follow…

my arms are roots that seek salvation
in the cold, the dirt, the mixture
in the mirrors,
how could be an ugly Sun a king forever
in the winter of my mind
frozen are the leafs and frozen all belief
I linger
sculptured in the paintings from another time,
remember
burning in the skin when pressured
and visions of a thousands skies with stars that move so fast together
I have seen, was not alone
a heavy head raining glimpse and thoughts…

driving west to Paris at the wheel of riot hearts
with atomic dreams in black and white
and shadows always close behind,
I struggle…
in the horizon of my founding self I wander as a fallen light
spinning chaos in the deepest dark,
moments to the dawn when the journey did begin…

Life Oddity

I wrote an epistle to Father,
sung my sweetest lullaby
I checked the engine for another thousand times
no thing left to one’s imagination,
life’s a crumble made with salt
spice may never alter paths sculpted on the dunes,
the oasis nowhere to be seen
but in my most futile dream, so far away…
charge your paddles up to fifty-eight
stay clear!
lazy hearts may never feel and walls are going up forever
stairways takes your steps to last and cruel judge,
I held your hands,
I tried to catch the butterfly that went away
and then the stillness comes leaving but the story to be told
and my spirit gets so old,
my heart a stone
gone,
you left me all alone,
only darkness at the dawn….

Portretul lui Alice

Noapte
frunze mov pe aleea de pe marginea lacului
mână caldă, degete reci
ochi felinare – privesc și le iubesc fără să văd
brațele ramuri, picioare stinghii vopsite mov
dragostea odihnește în mine aripi ce bat înspre cer…

o chemă încă Alice
un nume ce-l purta fără să știe înainte să o cunosc
în lumea din oglindă,
ca o neliniște pe valuri ce izvorăsc între stele
trăiește în întrebare, temătoare
vâslind, vâslind, vâslind
viață, între bulgări de soare –

și-a pierdut chipul
roșu ca o inimă, într-un câmp cu maci
sorbind portocale fierbinți sâmbătă seara;
Alice, lași urme de pași pe dale
Alice, lași urme
Alice!

îți creionez sufletul
în Marea din spatele pleoapelor
unesc zenit cu nadir și între ele conturez o lume
te răpesc pentru mine
nemuritoare în clipă ca o apă care curge
tânără tu, tânăr eu
vise-gânduri sculptate de timp…

Reflection

Submerged
I write
the flickery path no one takes anymore
from the moon
through mountains
back to my second left toe…

My thoughts diffuse
as endless waves travel
on a surface of still that I touched,
with raspberry roots
which are all left to be culled,
and
my hands are frozen…

A kiss,
on the moss in the shadows,
yellow dream
like a glimpse of unexpected,
forests rise
over the pond at the end of the world
over eyes
over giants
over time
a fence between the green and the purple.

And my mouth gets filled
with scents
nostrils with fire
from the inside,
lighting the cord that’s keeping me here,
birthing the Sun
and the river…