Little baby love, how do you live,
will you one day tell me stories of the things you did?
Books to put back on the shelf,
our time is written in the words we spell…
Will you ever do forget,
or will you feel regret of the day I made you bleed
and all the awful things I dream,
the music and the Virgin by the wall,
there must be a time where I have lost it all….
Little wonder love, are you really gone?
The castle that I’ve built looks empty now,
it wears your name on each of things I’ve left behind
and when I took the shot, you were holding tight my heart –
Do you every once in a while expect,
that a feeling in the ashes never ceased to burn,
that a God, if still exists, may draw a path,
to find young portraits that will hold the paint,
and never cross that time alone?
I’ve run once more
leaving everything I’ve known behind
friends and lovers of all kind,
I packed my life in the back of my car
no time for tears
too little time to look behind,
and I’ve run
highways under the sun…
It is a red turtle story
told on an island of my own,
I must’ve been cursed
for I can’t seem to find my place
to grow an oak tree and gaze at the stars,
I may but follow a call
that flies me through time…
It’s the great runaway
from youth to the Day
it is the time to sail,
and so help me God
as my heart loves life
to put my steps into the light,
to build from soil and will
a home for my dreams…
I’ve met Alice on the alley in the park,
and I asked her for her name
and she asked me for my heart,
she leaned on me slowly telling stories from before,
and the leafs were turning yellow
threes were watching from ashore…
And the dance was turning wild
she had whispers in her eyes,
and I’ve followed for a while,
but at night when her hands are getting cold,
Alice cries and Alice bleeds
and your soul to love she needs…
I’ve met Alice in the morning,
she was walking without loving
and her streets were empty spaces,
her youth is gone and she is growing restless,
and the leafs may start to fall
winter comes and summer goes…
I saw Alice once upon a March,
she was smiling looking south
and her shadow fell behind,
and I kindly walked my heart back home,
to the place I’ve left my love
to the One I dream to hold…
Vino, vino Iubire…
vino să ne înecăm ținându-ne de mână
să alergăm prin valuri spre nopțile albastre,
Iubire,
am sădit smochine în țărâna noastră
și din suflet să răsară dimineți cu voce clară…
I have met Marie Louise in the city in the night
and she asked me to a bar with her laughter and her smile
she was sitting drinking beer next to Zluty Jena Maika
and a band is playing guitar rock in words I could not muster,
I’m sipping pints in silence and my legs are lost in tremble…
And she is trowing glances back and forth
it stirs my soul and I hold my heart back not to fall,
Marie Louise is standing in the middle of this world
she does not talk nor does she need a gun to hold,
she’s dancing waves into my thoughts, she’s pouring love…
I’ve met her wondering the streets in Bratislava,
Marie Louise is coming short and looking for a lighter
I gather up my wits and make the distance to her side
and lean to learn the reason for the sparkle in her eyes,
in a single darkest hour out of many that I lived
I’ve met Marie Louise, I’ve met her with a kiss..
I never were a giant carved in stone
hands and eyes and bones, everything is live and bleeds,
in the darkness I am cold
I need daylight to survive and love,
and here I stand
in my bare skin I’m a mirror to the past,
will you take a look
to all it’s been and all I was…
I grew up on the desert’s shore
and holy water was all my sisters wore,
I kissed them all goodnight
all at once and one at a time
and wrote letters to my Gemini,
dear Stephan, will it ever pass this night?
All the faith I had is buried in my heart,
I met not one to swore by life
no living soul to ask me for a goal,
and the morning comes so fast
I still dream the day that was
long before I gave my love to all,
and yet I am
parts and dreams and hopes of all the ones I’ve kissed…
Și care este rostul a tot ceea ce scriu, a tot ceea ce spun, a tot ceea ce „creez”? Are un sens mai profund decât acela de a încerca să impresionez, să arăt că sunt „altfel”? Uneori mi se pare că tot ceea ce fac e un mare și elaborat auto-sabotaj. Vine iar în gând întrebarea (doar îmi place să trăiesc în întrebare) neliniștitoare…ce e real și ce nu e real? Cum sunt eu atunci când se trage o linie? Sunt așa….eu. Mai probabil nici nu e atât de important cum sunt și ce sunt. E imperativ să mă accept, să mă iubesc pe mine însumi și să îmi fiu prieten. Cel mai bun prieten. Ca în poveștile cu adolescenți…un soi de BFF.
Ziua de azi a fost o zi pierdută după standardele sociale general acceptate. M-am trezit târziu. Am mâncat. Am făcut o baie. Am văzut două episoade din Dark Matter. Am mâncat iar. Am dormit. Nu am citit nimic pentru examen azi. Mă simt rău, mutilat, neliniștit, neîmpăcat mai degrabă. Iau un pahar cu rosé, pun o piesă de la Depeche Mode și încep să scriu. Ea mi-a dat mesaj în urmă cu vreo jumate de oră. Defapt mai multe mesaje. Îi răspund după care încep să scriu din nou despre viață, non-sens și alte răstălmăciri ale realității. Filosofie în gol dacă pot să o numesc așa. Fac filosofie de unul singur pentru că mi-e teamă să înfrunt realitatea care e mult mai simplă. Dar uneori, azi, mă simt ca un yoyo. Oscilez între aspectul de „a da bine” și ceea ce simt. Poate o să reușesc să ascund din nou vibrația asta sub un preș de afirmații fără de substanță care mi servesc periodic.
Adevărul, când sunt capabil să îl admit, este că am plecat în urmă cu vreo trei ani. Fizic nu, într-adevăr, doar sufletește. De aici și senzația de a fi sfâșiat din interior. Congruență. Nu sunt congruent… trupul și sufletul meu nu se găsesc în majoritatea timpului în același loc. Sunt deplasat, deviat; probabil că există o sumedenie de termeni care pot fi înșiruiți aici. Ah…trebuie să îmi revin. O să ies să îmi fac cumpărăturile săptămânale. Două palme peste față, o gură de apă rece de la frigider și…cumpărăturile, acum!
I used to dream
I used to run from past midnight to almost nine,
I used to laugh
I used to dance from this corner to the stage,
and then she came
and there she was like fire burning in the rain,
she took a star and made it fall writing sparkles on my soul
and the way she pressed her cheek made me go into the deep,
I took her hand and changed the pace
left the year behind and start to race…
This is a song for the 30th of July when the sun is up and it’s quite warm outside,
a metaphor for an indie rock band that I love,
pepper and spice on the mundane
I write words between commas for a dear friend,
he left for the west for a county where lives one of his mates
and people don’t stare
and deputy chiefs don’t care
when he rests his arms around his neck with a bit of neglect…
It’s a revolution,
his mind gave up unattended convulsions
and now he is gay in various ways
with the corners of his mouth up to the ears
we can all see his teeth holding his heart
while he’s racing on the Rainbow Road in Mario Kart 8 Deluxe…
I did not see it coming but was not a surprise
the pink cotton candy beard has been there all along
it always sang on a tune of it’s own
and the green paint in his hair,
all the small things, strokes and cuddles
and the cosplay in the pub where he’d always be Zelda,
it made us all think he was eccentric…
It’s a song for the 30th of July when the sun is up and we’re lacking direction
he’s left and we need inspiration
someone to recite the poems he used to,
talks about social mechanics and quantic design
we’ll never approach without a mind as his own,
it’s a song for more than a friend
a brother in arms
who’s finally found his very own arms…
Un Jurnal Neverosimil 