Letter to a better self

If I were to write a letter where I’d put honesty before self-preservation, what would I say? A letter to my better self, knowing that once told all is forgiven, that the past stops haunting me, that there will be… changes, consequences. I wonder…

What if I told you, that every little thing you know up until now is not true? That everything is a lie built upon other lies, that were told so long time ago that they seem real, as in you could almost touch them with your fingers if you wanted. Because everything is. I mean.. everything.

The first lie was told one autumn night, in a park. A park that used to be very familiar. “I do not love you!” And somehow that night got even darker. The light, warmth and even the familiarity of the place were all pushed aside. The rational man hold it’s first victory. The true self died a little bit that night and the courage to madly dream was cast away little by little the days that followed. The strike was deadly enough, a second would have been unnecessary. He turned around and walked away. Crying. Inside. Silent. And suddenly deaf.

A rock. This is how he taught of himself from that day on. He built walls and barriers around him and he locked himself in a castle so fortified and so untouchable that he was never to feel pain again. It would have been perfect if not for one small detail: he felt unbearably lonely…

[to be continued]

The Hunter

pipe_dream

Are you the hunter or are you the prey,
black and white dreaming come unfold my way…
It’s an old smoke rising from the hands of the one,
a pipe where she lights intentions of all kinds –
the lady in the air is pouring down a mirror in the fall,
you look deep and do seek your soul,
her hand is letting ash and the steps turn out small
and in the convent she mumbles to the pastor to confess,
to close all the eyes she follows from the past
and the hunter leans to catch the game,
and hang that catcher on the wall –
the days are short and the night shall fall…

Innocence

Give me back my innocence,
help me to forget the deeds, memories and broken wings
and all the years I’ve wasted running from the real things,
give me back my childhood years with all the mysteries it had,
and the dreamless sleep at night in the summer of my life
put it back to where it were long before the night had fallen,
long before the God was gone,
give me back the youth I’ve much despised
with all the boring afternoons, far from civilization…

Give me back to my old self without the teachings of the men,
without the dead, the sins, betrayal and the crushing pain,
take me back to days when fantasies were in the books you’ve read
and rebellion was thought to be running to the hills with others,
long into the past that’s gone before the dog was caught and slayed –
give me mercy for the present and a chance to build a future
without fire, without murder and the horrors I have witnessed,
give me back the cold cathedral and the kneeling to repent…

Give me back my heart untouched with all the love and caring,
give me back to when I still had a chance of happiness
and the infinite stargazing and the nights that never end
and the twisted years of magic with the thrills of the unknown,
higher power of the essence guide once more my shaking steps
to the day before today other than my yesterday…